And Now For Something Elves!
by Overhill
Summary: Winnowill visits Moving Pictures Network for a special featuring elves from six different worlds. Oneshot. Betaed by jynx67 Crossover with Harry Potter, LOTR, Artemis Fowl, Santa and Lemony Snicket.


_Absolutely necessary disclaimers, please don't sue me, etc., etc.,_

_Winnowill is owned by WARP Graphics, Inc., and was created by Wendy Pini._

_The Snickett elf, by Lemony Snickett (contact is Daniel Handler)- HarperCollins Children's Books_

_Captain Holly Short, by Eoin Colfer - Miramax Books/Hyperion Books_

_The house-elves, by J.K. Rowling – thank you, Jo!_

_The Tolkien Elves, J.R.R. Tolkien_

_Santa's Elves, public domain, but only if you believe in Santa_

**And Now For Something Elves!**

_A Moving Pictures Network special feature on elves, interviewing elves from different universes. (Actually, that was what was planned…)_

_----------_

Winnowill was bored. Winnowill was annoyed. Winnowill was out of her element, off her planet, and stuck in a green room at some place called "Moving Pictures Network".

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On the two-moon planet Abode a few hours ago, the tall, naked elf had been in the middle of turning a deer's short, stubby antlers into long, thin needles. The animal was twisted and frozen under her touch, and she'd been concentrating so hard on her self-appointed task that she hadn't heard the five humans sneak up on her.

"Greetings, Winnowill, Pini elf! We come in peace! We are from Moving Pictures Network!" one called out to her.

Startled, she sent to them, piercing their brains with her mental sending .

Two of them fell down immediately, clutching their heads in pain. The spokesman frowned at them. "You were warned," he sniffed.

One of the men on the ground groaned. "It's still a stupid introduction," he muttered before he passed out.

She stopped her work to study the strange humans. How was it that she was able to understand what they said? The first speaker was as tall as she, and slender. He had no hair on the top of his head, wore something black over his eyes that looked like huge fly eyes (only smoother), and had face hair, which looked similar to the local humans, but there wasn't food stuck in it, and it looked like it had been carefully tamed. His clothing wasn't made of skins, but of stuff similar to the fabric that the Blue Mountain elves had worn before their distruction. His hands, which he held out palms up, were clean and smooth, and he smiled, showing that he had very many well-formed teeth. Except for his hair, rounded ears and the extra finger on each hand, he looked very similar to the elves of Blue Mountain (her former home), and not much like the humans in the current neighborhood.

The others, a male and a female, also had eye coverings and the odd clothing. Their hair was very neat and well taken care of, and their bodies were clean and clothed. Each carried an odd-looking stick. There were no obnoxious odors. And, oddly enough, they (including the two males now lying unconscious on the ground) had an aura of magic about them. She sensed that there was nothing to fear from them.

So she turned the tortured deer loose and accepted the chair that the speaker thoughtfully created out of a rock by waving a stick. How he did it was another mystery, but it was very soft and comfortable. Then the three humans and the tall elf continued to ignore the other two humans (who were now awake, but still unable to sit up) while they discussed the terms of their visit and their invitation for her to join them on their planet, Earth, at a place that they called "Diagon Alley".

Whatever that was.

"It would be like a vacation," the magical humans told her. He took off his eye covers and smiled at her.

"What is a 'vacation'?" she coldly asked.

"You could see a whole different world, meet different elves. We're going to other worlds, too, bringing them there for each to share each others'experiences and thoughts on Elfdom. You'll be featured on our show on Moving Pictures Network!

Other worlds. Perhaps this way she could find out where the High Ones went, elves who had not come to her miserable planet with its two moons, but who still might live among the stars above. "Sharing" would be nice, too. But "Elfdom?" What was that? And what was a "Network"? And what was a "Pini"?

"What is a 'Pini'?" she asked them.

"It's a reference name," the woman explained. "There will be elves from other places, and we have to give references to where they came from, and, well, Pini is the reference name we had when we went searching. We wanted to get a pure-blooded Pini elf, and we found you!"

"Will all the other elves be pure-blooded?" Winnowill asked with studied indifference.

"Oh, absolutely!" the woman replied.

Pure-blood. No mangy half-breed Wolfriders would be at the gathering. A certain half-elf, half-troll would be missing also.

She instinctively snatched at a passing flutter-bug, thoughtfully studied it as she mused their offer, and then shredded its wings off.

What did she have to loose?

----------

She was given clothing – a "robe" - to wear before they left her planet. It was pleasant to have her skin protected from the wind and the sun again, and the fabric was strange, but very soft, softer than anything that the human slaves of Blue Mountain had made. It was odd, she reflected later, that she had no memory of how it was that she was there on the sunny hillside one moment, and in the next moment, she was in a small, cold stone cave that had flat walls, floor and ceiling, and a square opening covered by a thin, clear rock. She had never seen such a place before.

The humans led her out of what they called a "room" and out a longer cave that also had flat surfaces, and out into the sunlight, where there where countless humans, all with the aura of magic about them and wearing a variety of clothing, apparently walked noisily and aimlessly around tall, shiny, flat blocks of odd looking hills.

----------

It was to one of these hills that the humans led her, and guided her through an opening. The opening shut behind her, but she didn't see any human or elf operating it, as there had been at Blue Mountain.

Then she was shown "the facilities". The woman gave a simple explanation of how the system worked, and then how to turn the water on to wash her hands and use the "towel" to dry her hands and face, leaving Winnowill wondering what other bodily functions she would have to be shown: How to eat, perhaps? How to sleep?

The humans showed her around the "building". Winnowill started to get a headache from seeing all straight lines. Was this world flat?

----------

They showed her where she would sit for her "interview", and they showed her the "green" room where she would wait. They showed her how a woman dressed in red would appear in the "picture", while still being in the room. The picture was another flat surface, as hard and as shiny as obsidian. ("Your image will be on the glass, just like hers," she was told.) She tried putting her hand on the small woman in the "picture" – she thought she might pick her up – but her fingers touched only flatness. Winnowill was puzzled, but saw no danger in it.

Food was brought, and she used her hands to eat the raw fish and the roasted meat, but touched nothing else. She had to return to the facility room to wash her hands. Only the barbarians outside of Blue Mountain wiped their hands on their clothes.

She was shown into a room that had green walls and comfortable furniture. Her eyes felt rested, but the straight lines and surfaces were getting to be tiresome. There was a plant in a container, but when she examined it, she realized that it was the same as the cloth she wore.

If she could get back to her own planet, she would. As she hadn't anyone to talk to for a couple of centuries, she wasn't used to speaking. Unfortunately, all of her sendings seemed to be ignored. She decided to wait; the humans had promised to return her by her nightfall, and Winnowill was still hoping to find her ancient kindred – the High Ones -among the other elves she had yet to meet.

There was another "picture" on the wall. Inside it, a human woman dressed in blue was talking to some very short "Santa's elves". _What in the name of Voll was a "Santa's,_ she wondered. These elves were short, with round, human-like faces, but with pointed ears. Their hands seemed encased in red cloth that hid the fingers and showed the thumbs. On Abode, the Go-Backs elves wore such things on their hands, apparently to protect them from the cold, but this was warm, not cold. The Santa's elves wore pointed hats that flopped over instead of standing proudly straight up, and their voices were strange and harsh to her ears. She decided that they wouldn't be related to the High Ones; someone else probably shaped some humans to look like elves, and did a poor job of it, too.

While she was musing over the Santa's, two of her human hosts ushered in the three elves, which were introduced to her as "Tolkien" elves; she was introduced to them as a "Pini"elf. Their reference name made no sense to her, but then one was further referred to as a "Forest elf", another as a "Sea elf", and the third as a "High elf". This name caught Winnowill's attention.

"Do you come from the stars?" she asked too quickly, too eagerly.

The elf gave her a very polite, almost cold reply. "No, I came from The West."

The elves, all female, were very similar to Winnowill, tall and slender, with pointed ears (though not as beautifully shaped as hers), but with human-like grey eyes, and they had four fingers, instead of three, as she had. The aura of magic was strong with them, which added to the puzzle of what type of elves they were. Unfortunately, within a few minutes of their meeting, and just as things got interesting, ("At our planet, we have a grey ship in the sky that carries a crystal filled with light," the Sea elf said), Winnowill tried sending to them. The room suddenly went from polite to cold, and the threesome decided to go out for some "air", followed by one of the humans, and did not return to continue the conversation.

The other human, a female, tried nervously to make conversation, and said something about some "house-elves" arriving soon, and a captain elf. Winnowill wondered where they were from. And there was vague talk of another elf, but no one seemed very firm on the details, just that he was "little".

"Sorry I'm late - got caught in a riot. The Colfer elf can't make it." Another human, clothing in disarray and looking like he had been in a fight, reported to the human Winnowill was talking to. "Captain Holly Short is the only one from that universe with clearance, and she's been called out on an emergency."

Winnowill began to envy Captain Holly Short.

----------

To pass the time, she shaped and reshaped the nails on her hands. Dagger-like blades. Talons. Needles. Back to original shapes. She glanced over at the human's square tipped fingernails and made hers the same. The human noticed and tittered nervously. Winnowill contemplated what it would take to wipe the smile off the woman's face, taking off the lips and maybe the nose. The woman got up nervously and said something about getting a drink of water. There was a water pitcher on the table next to Winnowill's chair, but the woman left the room. Shortly after that, the Santa's elves came to the door, saw her, and scurried away from the room. The Tolkien elves were now in the glass, chatting with the human in there, something about the mating of an elf and a human. _Impossible_, Winnowill thought. She glared at it and went back to her nails. _All it does it make a mess out of the slave._

Suddenly, and almost silently, three creatures appeared in the room. All three were as short at the Santa elves, but were hairless, thin, wiry beings. The first one was covered with layers of textiles all over its body and on top of its head. Another was naked, except for a rag around its middle. The third wore textiles that looked stained and ill kept, and had a nose as bright and round as a red fruit. She also stank.

"Hic!" the third one said, and then it threw up.

"Winky," the first one said, and cleaned the mess up at once!

Winnowill sat up quickly and stared at them. The magical aura was thick about them.

The almost naked one stared back at her, then, slowly, its face twisted into a leer.

"Dark magic," he said almost reverently, licking his lips.

"Kreacher! Harry Potter said Kreacher is to do what Dobby says. And Dobby says not to talk to strangers!" the first one shouted. "Miss," he said to Winnowill, "Kreacher is a bad house-elf! Do not talk to him!"

Strangers! Who was the stranger here? And what was a house-elf? What was a house?

"Lovely witch. Just like Mistress, when Mistress was young." The thing was almost drooling. "Is witch pure-blood?"

"Kreacher! Stop!" the first ordered again. "Kreacher not talk to her! Kreacher go sit in that corner!

The other complied, backing up, and not taking his eyes off Winnowill. Winnowill eyed him back.

A witch. That's what the human female called herself. _Ugh._

"I'm an elf," Winnowill coldly informed the ugly things. "A pure-blood elf."

"Hic!" the female said.

"Not a witch?" the one in the corner replied.

"Dobby says you are not an elf. Elves are not as tall as Harry Potter." The self-proclaimed Dobby stared at her.

Winnowill pointed to the Tolkien elves, who were still in the glass. "Those elves are also as tall as humans," she said in a bored tone. "It is you who is insignificant in your height."

"Hic!" the female said. "Winky ish not inshegnefic!" She started to bawl, covering herself with her nose drippings.

"Winky," Dobby cooed, cleaning her up again.

"And what is an 'house-elf'. Is there such a thing as a 'network-elf'? A 'tree-elf'?" Winnowill demanded to know.

Then Winnowill jumped. The Kreacher thing had put his grimy hand on her knee, with all four of his fingers, his thumb rubbing her kneecap. He was snickering.

"An elf?" he crooned, licking its lips. "Would Kreacher do?" He put both hands on her knees and leered up at her.

She physically shoved his hands off. His aura of magic tingled at her fingertips.

_Do what?_ _IF these were elves…_ Winnowill tried sending to the three.

Winky screamed, and then fainted.

Dobby threw his hands over his head. "Stay out, bad elf," he ordered, tears of pain rolling down his cheeks.

Kreacher, though, grinned. "Hurts nice," he muttered. "Oh, just like good old days."

He was uglier than any human she had ever seen, and humans, were of course, far uglier than any troll. But he was also magical, which a troll was not.

"Touch me again and I'll rip your ears off," she said with a sneer.

Kreacher's grin grew wider, and his eyes looked longingly at her. "Promise?"

Winnowill felt her stomach lurch. No one had ever responded that way before. She started to feel cornered, and wished that there was some escape. She tried sending to the ugly thing again, to order it to go away. It merely chuckled.

A human male came into the room at that moment. "Just checking on how you elves are doing. Glad to see you here, Dobby. Who are these with you?" he asked, while twirling a stick between his fingers.

"Dobby is with Winky." At this, Winky sat up, swaying slightly from her position on the floor. "Winky is also a free house-elf." At this, the red-nosed bag of misery started howling. "And Kreacher is not a free house-elf. He is Harry Potter's house-elf, and he is to obey Dobby!" he shouted at Kreacher, "Harry Potter says so!"

Kreacher scowled at Dobby, but said nothing as he glanced back up at Winnowill.

"Ah, I see you two have met," the human said cheerfully to Winnowill and Kreacher. Winnowill was about to snatch the annoying stick from him, but he grasped it firmly, and kept it at his side. "Allow me to formalize the introductions. Winnowill, these are Rowling elves, from wizarding England. Kreacher, this is Winnowill, a Pini elf from the planet Abode." Before Winnowill could say anything, the human added, "We are expecting one more elf in the next few minutes. I need to make sure everything is ready for him! Ta ta!" And with that, the human fled the room.

_Ta ta?What was a "ta ta"? _Winnowill had had enough. She was about to melt the flesh off the creepy Kreacher, when the worst elf of all came marching happily through the door. It had four fingers and a thumb, and was dressed similar to a Santa elf, but it had a huge smile on its face, and freckles, and it was radiating _cheerfulness!_ It was the littlest elf she had seen on her journey, and she felt as she looked at it, that it could blind her in its gooey optimistic radiance, suffocate her in its happy aura. And the humans had deserted her to this…this horror!

Winnowill was angry. This elf had four fingers and a thumb, just like all the other hands she had seen that day. All magic aside, not one of the elves was of her race. The trip was a waste of time: she wanted to be back at Abode, torturing some animals.

Winky hiccupped again. "Winky ish gonna to be shick," she said, staring at the new-comer through her red-rimmed eyes.

Dobby looked aghast at it. "Nooo!" he cried. "Too bright! Elves not to be so bright!"

It looked around and said in an oddly shrill voice, "Hello Everyone! I am a Snickett elf, and I am The Littlest Elf, and boy, am I glad to be here! I will be your brand new friend! What are your names?" It gave everyone its blinding toothy smile. The room became sunny and bright, birdsong rang through the air, and the artificial plant quickly budded and bloomed.

Kreacher cowered. "Kreacher not stay. Kreacher leave now."

There was an escape!

"Take me with you," Winnowill pleaded. "And I'll rip your ears off," she promised.

Kreacher looked up at Winnowill, a hopeful and wary expression on his face.

"Dobby and Winky go too!" Dobby ordered.

"Hic!" sobbed Winky.

"To the Black house," Kreacher snarled.

"Yes! Go now!" Dobby ordered.

All four vanished, leaving the Snickett elf all alone in the room. Small, pretty birds suddenly appeared, singing melodiously as they flittered about the room.

The human returned and peered around the room before he asked The Littlest Elf, "Where did everyone go?"


End file.
